Life Is Sound

013 | Uncovering the Secrets Behind the Music: Love, Loss & Lyrics w/ JSD

February 27, 2023 Knew J Episode 13
Life Is Sound
013 | Uncovering the Secrets Behind the Music: Love, Loss & Lyrics w/ JSD
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Show Notes Transcript

In this episode we discuss Love and Loss and how real life  stories transform into art and lyrics. Today's guest is Manchester's very own JSD, an Artist, Producer, Engineer and much more. Jay is a reminder to us all of how to unapologetically be yourself at all times as he shares some of his life's tradgedies and how he has maintained a postive outlook towards life, regardless of some of the L's he has encountered . This is a story that has touched my heart and is a reminder of how fragile life is and that our time here is not promised.

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hello good people and welcome back to life and so on today I've got my brother with me we're very similar we've been on a similar path from teenagers and as soon as I started this podcast it was a person that I reached out to and said bro I'd love to get you to do this and he's like of course man we've been trying to make it happen for a couple of months but we both know about timing he just called me it was 11 11 when he called These are little signs that you're in the right place at the right time today I've got Manchester's music artist jsd with me it's a pleasure to have you here bro now it's a pleasure to be here bro and yeah we're just going to mix it up and talk about our Journeys Jay is someone who I look at with his craft and what he does and he really takes life experience and puts that into an art form in a way that when I've witnessed it and heard it not only as a producer as a musician I'm like that's crazy because I know how much effort it takes to do this yourself and respect bro the hours and the battles the self struggles the doubts everything but to take real life events and paint a picture in the way that you did from what you were going through at that time in your life there's been times where I've heard you put stuff I'll even repost it a year later or two years later and it still gives me shivers so if you want to say hello to the listeners who you are in your own world what you do and then we'll get into it yeah man hello everybody um yeah I'm Jay jsd and um yeah I'm I'm an artist first and foremost an emcee really yeah you know I mean but um I have since kind of transcended that and become a producer an engineer and yeah man I'm just a really passionate yeah so one thing I've really appreciated with you as well we'll go back to where we started yeah but one thing I just want to quickly say is where we come from starting out as like MC's and yeah it was all about ego yeah yeah yeah it was all about I'm gonna be the best in this environment and that created a lot of standoff energy yeah other artists and other people yeah as we got older obviously we grow but one thing I've appreciated with you as a producer is I'll just message you and go broke I'm struggling with this thing because it sounds like this do you know how I can make it do this because this is really driving me nuts and smile there's no ego there it's just like bro well I might have tried this maybe it could be that have you tried this I was like yo Jay how do I get a really sharp attacking piano sound I can't find anything that's doing what I need to do and you would just open this no oh this guy doesn't know what he's doing he's just he's just love and pure energy so I've always appreciated that I appreciate that I think at the end of the day if you're like comfortable in your own skin yeah if you're sure then you and you're confident you and that doesn't mean you don't have any insecurity we've all got insecurity but of course I think if you're if you're comfortable to a degree like why would you not want to help and share knowledge and at the same time I think the more you learn the more you realize the less you know so yeah for me like when I was first getting into production and Engineering like as a job I was I was learning you know what I mean we're still learning you know what I'm saying but I was I was really learning it was right behind the ears but um you know I dive into things head first and that's just the way I am that's the way I operate you know what I'm saying um but I think I was more a little bit more precious then maybe yeah check out what I'm saying yeah a little bit more if someone said oh the way you've mixed that kick drum it might have gotten my feelings a bit more you know what I'm saying whereas now yeah I'm quite confident what I'm doing and I just really think that each one's each one bro exactly I just think and I try and let that um ring out on my social media like if any and obviously you're my brother like you can shout me any any time you know what I'm saying I also try and extend that to The Wider Manchester music Community because my goal is for us as a as a as a city to have a really thriving music scene yeah and that has to consist of was helping each other it has to consist of us growing together learning together challenging each of our do you know what I'm saying and ultimately helping each of us all to anyone watching you know I'm saying like my inbox is open I'm saying I don't know everything but if there's something I do know and I can help them yeah yeah holla and that's the one thing I've noticed on your social as you will your post you know your own music but then you do have these little tutorials for people if you need to know this this is how I am yeah they've been really good well received to be honest yeah yeah a lot of people speak to me about them you know what I'm saying and yeah something I obviously we don't like more time you know I mean yeah with my with my current situation what I'm doing every day I'm producing I'm sat with artists for like eight nine hours a day so yeah difficult to find them times to do a spare hour of you know tutorial or whatever but it's definitely some of that I'm gonna be doing a bit more of you know what I mean as a one I can't so I want to get into your your journey because from us starting music at a similar time and being around each other to seeing what you've been through in life the reason you're here today is because your story is so powerful bro and I want that to resonate out to people that's the type of people I'm inviting into this space is creators musicians people that understand mental health change and programs in the life changing patterns behaviors which we're all guilty of and your story is so powerful so we'll get into that as as we progress in this conversation but let's go back yeah so the days where we would have been around each of us or probably like yeah little fresh faces yes bro and so we used to do sets together yeah our crew your crew yeah so Knight Riders CBD at the time CBD transitioned into virus Syndicate yeah which you guys have been on an amazing journey with that and we'll speak about that what do you remember from that time because for me I remember coming into these spaces like pressure which was a club at the time little dingy dark place and you were just waiting for the mic but I was really young I was like 15 me too bro around we were young around men in clubs and women no we we were they were intimidating environments sometimes you know what I'm saying yeah it was wild seeing about them was wild bro wild I just remember it being Aggie Manchester back then was you know South money was on smoke back then I've said this on the podcast to people but you're the first person yeah that has been in that environment yeah like alongside me but it was very testosterone fueled hype it was exciting anything anything could happen sick at any time and it could happen man I seen some some can I swear on it yeah I've seen some of my [ __ ] yeah yeah in them clubs man yeah there's a few things that spring to mind so yeah I remember it being kind of quiet I mean we were we were kids in an adult environment yeah you know what I'm saying it really was um but I also remember it being really exciting you know I mean for me I'd been I'd been MC into drum and based jungle like when I the reason I got into writing bars and[ __ ] was trigger yeah yeah like I listen I got the first two hip-hop albums I ever listened to uh doggy style by Snoop and Cypress Hill black Sunday and you know those two albums definitely had a massive impact on me like the transport the the way they were able to transport you to a different world yeah do you know what I'm saying and put you in their world like I just found it fascinating yeah and I've always been fascinated with words and language and you know when we were doing Shakespeare at school I was I was into it because it's words I was like you know what I mean like I was I was on it so um the effort but for me like my big bro was listening to Jungle and a few of the older kids around our we was listening to Jungle and when I heard trigger it was someone shouting out Manchester and it felt something just a lot more relatable yeah yeah and something in me Sparks do you know what I'm saying and um it was just a joke at first you know I mean just just a joke yeah literally it's having a laugh and obviously it became something I I became like really serious about your whole life it's crazy when you think about it it's crazy and yeah so obviously from there um the trauma Bay scene the jungle scene was very clicky very nichy a lot of scenes are like that even still today you know what I'm saying but um it was it was it was a clicky scene in Manchester and it was hard to break through and I had a few opportunities where someone said come to this club I'm gonna put you on and remember this one time this guy said that me and chimpo went down and then all night I'm waiting for this guy to call me and give me the mic and he didn't give me the mic bring you back nightmares it was this hot and him bro like it was disheartening But ultimately like we weren't doing it we were doing it because we just loved it so much like we'd be doing it anyway you're not saying but you just wanted to show the world what you could do what I'm saying so it was the journey to the microphone you just all you cared about was that microphone all I cared about was the mic and that changes goal posts change you know you get the mic and then it's like a woman name and a flyer yeah it's like opening in the top of the flyer do you know what I'm saying like goal posts always changed but yeah I met a link to um the guys from CBD um youth club in it I used to call Wally range youth club quiz uh we went to a few youth clubs didn't where you get that was it bro that was the journey park yeah yeah core sale I'm saying shout out to all them places because without those who knows what we would have been doing you get me those were the links those are the link spots and their capitals busy off the streets yeah so yeah I met CBD they came to do this session when they brought decks and they were doing garage and I thought garage was what to be honest it was just to me it was just a light happy fluffy music do you know what I'm saying but yeah these men give me a chance to spit so I slowed all my jungle bars down and I sprayed on the thing and you know that led to like a show on buzzer family said you want to come and get involved so we kind of honed our Craft on Pirate Radio do you know what I'm saying yeah so so that's kind of how that happened and then yeah that kind of you know virus was going as well at the same time but the guys from CBD like some people were you know having kids and just kind of falling out of love with it and you know unable to put the time into it so to speak to get what I'm saying so um yeah ultimately like a virus in the cast me to come on rinse Affair and that was a huge deal for me back there and stuff I'm like yeah that was that was it you know and the show was after after all deep on a Saturday do you know what I'm saying so we were on radio after Wiley and Target and you know it just put you in a place where you were like this is where it's where I need to be you get what I'm saying which for Manchester at the time that is a huge thing to be going after those artists it was people weren't speaking about Manchester then like they are now we're in a different time we were really at the start of something and your journey talking about jungle man at store neighbor Kevin he was a huge jungle so I grew up hearing his music through the walls yeah without Choice yeah yeah so this was seeping into my sauce like you I'm listening to hip-hop and rap book jungles coming through the walls being heavy yeah and now when I hear that there's so much Nostalgia attached to it because I absolutely love it and I'd go in his bedroom I see his dicks he'd let me in every now and again and when I saw a setup I was like I want that yeah and when I saved up enough money to buy some debts we were just belt drives we were so dead like giving it a push but here they were so hard to learn to DJ on but I got them but garage was the thing now jungle was just a bit before me so it was like I was doing what Kevin was doing but with with my generation music but if I wouldn't have seen that it gave me so much inspiration and those two things are just always right next to each other yeah for us you would you wouldn't really hear one without the other or you'd know one person in a scene yeah that would cross over like you said you did to another it's such a special time because that's what it was it was Pirate Radio yeah MCA well there was a different energy behind it I told it like nowadays you know and it's and it's an amazing thing like something we should all celebrate but nowadays rap music in the UK is is pop yeah yeah do you know what I'm saying and yeah and like I said that's that's a good thing like because it's not just pop on a sense that it's watered down do you know what I'm saying you've got artists who are really rapping yeah yeah doing numbers you know what I'm saying whereas when we were doing it bro it was just a different time yeah and um but the Mad thing was with CBD we actually got we actually ended up in a situation through glass Hill Studios where Sony offered us um a deal I think it was a two single deal or something like that and that was a crazy period in time because I just started college doing music production course and you know but you know this is where I think the start of some of my big life challenges came and me and the guys from CBD was out on a night out doing a gig we went back to another guy's houses and um one of the girls that we were with she got hit by a car crossing the road when we were going to get a taxi and then it killed her on on the spot you know what I'm saying so we were all there you know had to deal with it and had to there's a lot of trauma attached to that for everybody you know what I'm saying and I think it was just a really it was a surreal moment in my life where we had all these things going on and and then this happened and it almost felt like a dream bro you get me almost felt like it wasn't real what age were you I was 17 yeah Lindsay was 19 when she died well rest in peace man on them yeah it had a massive effect on us all obviously did you get me um and I think it just teaches you the fragility of life you know what I'm saying like yeah it teaches you that it really shows you that you know tomorrow's not promised to get what I mean so that was a really like that was a really big a big event to happen in all of our Lives you know what I mean and how did you all process the other age because you're so young in life to experience that you don't know any way to process it yeah I don't think no professional help what what did you even process I think we processed it individually in our own we didn't process it together was that something you spoke about in the group that not really it not really it was like some people were closer to Lindsay the numbers you know what I mean and it was more traumatic for some people I mean you can't really put it like that because if you were there it was one of the most traumatic things you're ever going to see you know what I'm saying well and by the same time like for me I think I was so young and I actually I remember I couldn't I didn't have any money to get home that night and I had to walk back from OT to Charlton and you know it's a lot of time after seeing that that's a lot of time no phone descriptions no phones bro like mobiles even your thoughts in it um so I think we I think I don't know if we processed it really I don't know but like you know obviously when we came together for the funeral that was our time where I think we got together as a and we felt a Oneness yeah amongst the madness do you know what I mean but I think that was for me my first real thing where I was like wow you know what I'm saying and then there must have been about three months later when one of my boys Matthew was was murdered um so that period in my time in that period of my life was just Bonkers broke 17. absolutely and you know growing up in Manchester at that time anyway it was a volatile place there was a lot of [ __ ] going on we were seeing a lot of Madness yeah do you know what I mean just generally um but when you when you when you're seeing losses close to home like that it shakes you up I think Matthew dying shut me up at like because it was you know it was he was he was killed you know what I'm saying Lindsay Lindsay um had a traumatic effect on me in a different way because it was kind of like an accident yes that makes sense but I think after Matthew died I was paranoid I was do you know what I mean I was and I was smoking a lot of weed you know what I'm saying like so yeah man just a really crazy that was the first first wave and then after that you know joining virus in the curtain a lot of good things happening in my life at the same time do you know what I'm saying like which is which is the way it's you know when the darkness comes to light you know what I'm saying so a lot of a lot of positive things happening too but also these big things to process and you know funerals of young people yeah uh it's hard to describe those are the type of things that have a lasting impact but it's as you get older and you reach a more mature place where you understand your emotions yeah your habits and your patterns yeah you you kind of revisit and you go oh yeah like that's what I could have done at that time in hindsight hindsight's a beautiful thing but it's also it can be such a triggering thing as well but to go through those things at such an early age that that's not an easy thing to navigate but it's all part of your journey and it all builds character exactly exactly and I think you know the deeper you carve into the into the pot into the the ceramic pot the more you can fill it up afterwards you know I'm saying like you know with the deeper the pain goes the more you can fill up later you know what I'm saying um smoothies don't make skillful Sailors you know what I'm saying bro so like those are a few early things but but then when I was when I joined virus Syndicate then I got ill I had a thyroid problem um or hyperactive thyroid didn't really know I had the problem um and I was kind of like partying a lot has had a bit of a I was young you know what I mean I was 18 19 or something and I started losing a lot of weight becoming really thin and my hair started falling out I started getting patches of hair just falling out and you know it's a friend of mine's um partner at the time you messaged me on Facebook saying like are you okay you don't look right yeah you know I like we went close like that you know what I'm saying but she was like you don't look well yeah like are you okay like you need to see a doctor or something like what what's happening and I was like[ __ ] I don't look right do I and I'm saying yeah and I went to the doctor and it was like it I'd left it a long time and with hyperactive fireworks your metabolism speed you know so my heart was doing a lot of work I'm a heart damage like have it the wall cavity what protects it and because it had been working so like it was that about was that a pretty bad yeah point you know what I'm saying um so obviously then I started all that you know what I mean like I started going to the hospital having regular blood tests having to weigh up the options of what to do which ultimately I ended up having my thyroid taken out I had to have surgery um but I think just I think the impact on the way I looked was probably greater than I gave it um then I gave it power see at the way I operate I'm quite lucky in in the way I operate I'm a high functioning I'm high functioning crisis you know I mean if everything's collapsing you probably won't know yeah do you know what I'm saying like I function pretty well and I think because of that quick quick question would you say you function well or you hide it well both yeah probably but I think I function well yeah do you know what I mean I'm just my mindset is just of I'm I'm quite solution I'm like what can we do do you know what I mean but ultimately sometimes at least the neglect of of your feelings you get me it leads to you to just crack on and not actually allow yourself but I'm not somebody misery loves company yeah and I know that I as most [ __ ] humans have have a tendency towards being sucked down and once you get sucked down it's easy to stay there yeah and you can feed off the energy and attention and yeah and and that scares me I don't want to be there I don't want to be in a victim State yeah do you know what I'm saying I just don't like being in that place so I've kind of that's my way of dealing with things you know I mean I'm a a function pretty well yeah um so and you know I had people around me as well who were my support system you know Nick my boy from virus yeah that period of my life like he was so like Monumental to that period like the way he supported me through it and yeah he dragged me around Barbers to get it bit you know he was like right come on[ __ ] this we're going Barbers we're gonna get him to pick your looks seeing it yeah yeah I'm gonna go and get your garbage you're gonna look well cool so anyway no one would do it we have to go and buy razors yeah and Nick raised my bit to my head in his in his flat you know like to have people in your life like that super important that's what you realize when you when you get older like what's important is connections yeah what's important is having meaningful relationships to get me [ __ ] the Rolex do you know what I mean like on a real we all want nice things and we all want a nice life and if you've got the other things in check you know having a bit of dull will help you to live even a better life because it'll give you more time to do what you want you know what I'm saying but meaningful connections are meaningful friendships are like that a glue that a fabric of life you know what I'm saying so yeah that was a month like I said I don't really feel like maybe I I didn't give it a power and that was a good thing because it it made me survive but at the same time I'm under No Illusion and I was under No Illusion then that well I looked like I was I looked like I was a crackhead a lot like I was I looked fought you know I was skinny like a rake my hair had gone up I had Graves disease still kind of got a bit of graves disease now so one of my eyes was bulging I looked like I didn't look okay even though now I'm getting treated and now I'm being now I'm at the hospital and whatever you know um and that's all right like that's hard enough just being a day-to-day guy going about life but then when you've got to go and shoot music videos difficult and you've got people on the YouTube comments you know what YouTube's like like it's a[ __ ] harsh the internet's a ass place you know and it's wild the conversations we're having now there's no way we could have had this no back then no whether you know someone close maybe you know you close his brother like yeah but not another musician yeah you might kind of know that's just in your circle yeah kind of on the outside of your personal people we didn't know how to process those conversations like so a lot it's a lot to not especially at such a young age as well but even now because I'm going through it now the same thing not with the fire word but alopecia's come back yeah my my hair's falling out my face you know I mean I had a patch on top of my head which has come grown back and now my eyebrows have started going like just in the past month yeah so I draw the lineup [ __ ] eyebrows you know what I'm saying listen God yeah come on you know I laugh yeah I lock in the mirror and I laugh it's almost like it's almost like a joke like I'm not allowing that you know when you're 19 bro and you[ __ ] bear dumpster and you [ __ ] got a picture and you look skinny and that was have been to Hell man yeah yeah I've been to Hell you get me and now like I'm certain I'm loved I love you know I mean like obviously it's stressful obviously I don't want my eyebrows to fall out you get me nobody does I'm considering tattoos though have you seen them tattoos I hope they do it right if I see you just surprised though um I feel like I'm glad you just said that because that's made me a little bit more cautious about those these things or as as we reach these ages and things happen to us and and it kind of like you go through ego deaths yeah and these things really reset you when you have something coming up like you might be losing your hair your appearance is changing in some way it's more of uh sitting back and going if this is gonna happen I've just got to flow exactly and allow it exactly because these things you have control of and there's things you don't and the things that we don't instead of getting so tied into them and that is such a personal thing how we look is how we think people see us in the world to have that that mindset But ultimately it's the only mindset to have yeah did you get me yeah yeah it's hard to be like and I'm lucky because I mean maybe it's not luck you know I mean I had I went through it I've been through it once you know what I mean and I remember praying like I'm not really a religious person but yo when [ __ ] hits the fan yeah you're gonna pray yeah let me tell you you know what I'm saying so like I feel like because I went through it on such a tender age like now in my adulthood but you know we're still insecure and it's still I still have my moments as anyone does but I think yeah you just realized that these things in life more important than the way we look and yeah I'm still doing music and yeah I'm still putting my face out there and you know I'm not I listen I'm not in no beauty contest bro like I'm gonna wrap you off the face you get me that I'm here to spit you off the face of the Earth it's a little pretty bro if that's what you want go check for somebody yeah I mean it's enough pretty pretty rappers out there hey me bro so I don't know man I think it's just being at one with your circumstances um you're always gonna have the battle but that is that is the approach and one thing one big thing you said there and it's something I've learned through like tensions of NLP from yeah Maureen who's been on the podcast yeah is secondary gain when you're in that place of victim State and you know you're in bed and whoever comes to check on you you like that attention because where does it take us back to being mothered and we're all still big kids yeah of course we are just living our adult lives through the trauma of our childhoods yeah whether that was a bad childhood or a few things happened in your childhood we like that nurture so it becomes you keep yourself in these states because you like that that reward well you can become drunk off it man you can it's really addictive yeah and I think I had a few situations when I was young like 15 or whatever where I got in these really depressy States and I enjoyed the detention and all these things are talking about and like I just had a moment where I was like nah that's not it I do not want to be that guy you know what I mean yeah and that's why I'm able to just have to Outlook that I have and not try and wallow in it and that doesn't mean I'm I'm I'm um Iron Man doesn't mean I'm impenetrable I cry yeah you know I Cry tears yeah I'm saying like anybody does you know what I mean um and I allow myself to feel when I'm feeling and I allow myself to feel but I know when I'm when it's self-harming I'm like right just the other just the other week just like what last week maybe I had the most profound dream about my mum and she wanted a cuddle and I woke up from the dream and it was it was like it was surreal I don't really dream a lot I smoke hella weed I don't really dream a lot you know what I mean just for people that might not know when you smoke weed you don't really dream no and it's not a good thing really because streaming is kind of could you downloaded but um yeah I woke up from it and initially I was fine I was I was okay I couldn't wake up set but I sat and thought about it and it washed over me and all of this all of the emotions flooded you know and and I cried and I cried and then I was like right that's it now um you know I mean it's I've I've I've cried now I'm all right question for you because I spoke about this on the last episode I had a similar thing a couple weeks ago yeah my dog's been sick my dad's been six but yeah I knew stuff was coming up I could feel it I didn't want to cry in front of my dog he's a sensitive dog yeah he's already struggling with his heart and I didn't want to stress him out anymore so that I get in the shower when I'm in the shower he knows where I am he's cool and it all came out in the shower but 20 seconds in bro I was like right you're good now and I was like what's that what's that in me because I've not released all that is this something we learn as men and it's a question I asked on the last episode and it's something I'm still working through is it because as men were taught not to cry and where where guys are in touch with our emotions yeah you can open up but that voice that came up in me after 20 seconds bro right good now bro stop crying instantly I was like whoa who was that what was that yeah because I felt that had not fully processed well I think it's probably different for you than it is for me and I think everyone else's experience is probably quite unique and individual do you know what I mean and that's probably based off how we were raised and all of those things but I was definitely like my dad my dad was Zero is it like no that was a man's man so to speak um which softened in his old age but you know what I mean he was he was not it wasn't an open book like we are yeah but my mum was the opposite polar opposite and I was very much in Courage like I don't feel like I would have a problem showing my emotions in the in the I think emotions have to be appropriate too I think you need to have some control over your emotions otherwise we'll just cry at anything which you know what I mean like we do have to have some control so I really believe certain people it's not appropriate for me to share a b and c with or it's not appropriate for me to sob and weep to you and that doesn't mean if it happens I'm a bad person no it doesn't but at the same time I think emotions should be appropriate on some level yeah um but for me personally that voice isn't because I'm I was you know as we pee at the time and she's saying baby let it out you don't need to stop like you know it's okay you know I know it's not my environment it's not I don't think for me personally it's it's that I think it's my understanding of myself and knowing that this now isn't actually the grief yeah you get me this bit here now the first bit was the grief but this bit feels like it's something else you know like it's Indulgence you know what I mean and I might be I might be wrong that's my way of surviving ultimately that's my coping mechanism and it works yeah it works for me you know what I'm saying so and I I just do think that it's very easy to be a victim as well so it's so easy to roll it lean into that and go with it everyone left right and center it's just part of The Human Experience yeah and it's how you choose to interpretate interpret yes how you choose to process that and how you some people wear it as a badge some people wear grief as a badge you know and I just personally think that is counterproductive and I think it's going to hold you back 100 I think we need to be freed and of that one thing you said it's easy when you know you're going through your own stuff and you work you might want to talk about or you're keeping yourself in a certain place but why are you doing an opening and sharing you're forgetting that life's happening to everyone else they might be carrying the wrong way or they might be triggering them they might be triggering and they're not saying anything because they don't want to burden you anymore than what you're willing to share and it is we've got a whole space and know that everyone's going through stuff and I think I think with me when I think about that voice I grew up I'm an only child I grew up with just my mum my dad was a man's man so I talked to him about things that he's going to tell me as a man you know the birds and the bees and certain things like that but never anything emotional yeah I'm talking to this about my friend going back if you look at where we are our age as a generation the guys that came before us their dads were wartime guys yeah yeah they came through Russia that was a wartime guy because my you know my parents had me when they were quite old yeah I've got a brother who's 15 years older than me you get me so yeah now I lived I I lived through that yeah so imagine trying to tell our grandparents that were feeling depressed yeah or were feeling emotional about this they've seen some crazy stuff but if not them just before them yeah they've not got time to be emotional or they they're really like this is what we're dealing with that's traumatized they're they're traumatized people who are never treated like traumatized people you know what I mean they just ended up a lot of them drinking and becoming abuser you know what I mean yeah yeah PTSD is a [ __ ] terrible terrible thing you know what I mean you see certain things at that time you've got PTSD you come back you get thrown in a mental Asylum for the rest of your life that was yeah two generations ago yeah we're only now getting to a point and I've seen it recently those places aren't even fixed but that's a whole other disc question yeah but it's it's something as you realize how you are as a person how you navigate the world does come from the generations before you and what they've enjoyed we're now opening up conversations like this look our grandpa our grandkids might see this and go that was my Grandad with a guy in your Manchester speaking about her emotions yeah in in 2018 it will be so normal which is great but we're the first feelers we're the first I'm not sure what younger Generations are doing with their conversations yeah I'm not a younger you know person in all circles yeah but yeah I think when we've connected where energy guys in it yeah yeah so we read energy and when we've connected even without saying I think we know if we spent time together we're probably going to open up about certain yeah and I think it's so important to have like you said there's certain characters in your life like Nick your brother and those people you know are just gonna be on your journey until the end of you or him and that though I've got those connections I don't have a big circle of friends I know a lot of people but I can count my friends on maybe one hand yeah yeah yeah and I'm so grateful like you are for those people that when you are in it sometimes it's not you're in it by choice sometimes you just in it yeah and you can't pull yourself out of it and you need that person to just reach in and go of course yeah yeah of course you do we all need that and but I think it's also really important to you know going back to talking about appropriating emotions in situations like you've got to know which one of your boys you don't talk to about you and you're missing splitting up with you've got to know Matt don't tell him yeah because he's not that guy he when you when you are if you're feeling down and you want to go out shout him yeah he's a boss you love him he's your boy you gotta understand which person to go to for which yeah yeah for which need as a friend and they you know you know I mean it works both ways yeah 100 people are saying because sometimes you go to the wrong person yeah and um you get bad advice or you even get lost up mocked you know what I'm saying and that's the worst thing that can happen to you if you're sensitive and you're alone um and you need to talk to someone and you go to someone you Moksha um I could be pretty I could be pretty bad you got me yeah so I always just think no which friend to shop for what you know what I mean I think that's why I've always appreciated female energy in my life yeah female friends me too bro and there is that no judgment and there's a there's a sometimes we are a bit you know we go around male friends like we do have male prize as we got older it might subside a bit but definitely in the younger yes we can feel it yeah yeah so it's a different sort of bravado when you're around the the man them yeah this is what it is and I've always appreciated those female connections whether it's in a relationship or a friendship yeah yeah yeah I feel like those things maybe because I was raised by my mum and I've always learned on a female I've had a female to guy yeah yeah like I said my dad was in my life but not all the time I think we've got quite a similar experience on it obviously my dad was was in my life yeah and he was he was a great man but man and my mom's Bond was just really strong yeah and she was the person who would comfort me you know she was that person he was he had a different role in my life you know what I'm saying yeah yeah um but now for me like I'm super super lucky and grateful to have pee in my life because she's just my rock and it caught and you know when you feel an unconditional love it's hard to explain but it is almost like the love of a mum you know what I mean it doesn't come with limitations that's what they're all looking for I think if you've had a good meal I think that's what you're looking for if you've had a good mum yeah you've had a mum in your life unconditional love no no woman or human will give you the love that your mom gives you nah none it's different so when I've had issues of people kids it's a different yeah yeah you'll never love your parents as much as they love you yeah as well like when people have said to me oh you're a mummy's boy and you're young and you get triggered by it and offended someone said oh I am 100 I am and I take all the power that my dads give me from certain lessons how to be a man in the world yeah yeah how to hold yourself and yeah you know stand your ground and all that stuff I appreciate that my dad gave me all that yeah male energy that I needed which has helped me navigate the world as a man but my mum nurtured me my mum gave me all that side and I think we do look for that in in our Apartments when you've got it and P is such an amazing woman in her own right she's incredible let's talk a bit about how that came about and and your journey so obviously I can't explain this you can explain this but yeah in recent years you've been through multiple losses and you transformed that a couple of hours but you know you couldn't the fact you know you can you can smile about it but the way you've that transitioned into your music and your lyrics and how you poured that out what was that Journey like for you if you can you know summarize it well I think um after both my parents died I was kind of obviously like I've been doing music for a long time but I've never really put out a body of work and I think I just felt really compelled to kind of tell the story you get me I just thought this is not it's greater than me now you know this is their legacy too do you know what I'm saying and I think it just spurred me on a little bit and let's not downplay the importance of covert in that whole role because it gave me time yeah you know covet allowed me to get in the studio and make music for me and not be working with other artists and not be like doing a thousand sessions you know what I'm saying so it gave me the time to just to just do it um what was the time frame that your parents passed in because you it was quite close together wouldn't it yeah they died within within a year of each other I think a little less than a year maybe um yeah it's weird because my mum was diagnosed with motor neurons disease so she had a terminal illness which I found quite funny because we're all terminally ill like in my head that's kind of the way I apologized it obviously hers was a bit more imminent but you could get hit by a [ __ ] boss like we're all about going in it dying every day you know what I'm saying so um yeah but still you know it's it's a it's a pretty horrendous disease to have it's called Als in the US and it was a big ice bucket challenge thing going around about it um it's what Professor Stephen Hawking had he had a rare form of it what you can live a long time yeah and my mum was diagnosed and they kind of said you've got three years um to live and you know again this is just my Outlook on it I feel like when when that whole come when we were in that hospital and the family was all there gathered together I'm a mum told us to me I was kind of like grateful bro when you've seen someone get hit by a car and die on the spot someone full of life it's bursting with energy just Rubble um I've yo I've got the opportunity to tell you how much I love you I've got the opportunity to make you know how special you are to let you know how much you gave me how much of you is in me do you know what I'm saying like I just thought okay like obviously it was tragic and it was sad I was I took it really really strong in the hospital you know and I was like right okay cool what does it mean how long Logistics logic logic logic that's my brain logic logic logic that's how it operates first I went home and I cried you know what I mean like I had my moment in my own space but yeah to me like it was kind of it was kind of an opportunity like for us to we've got a chance here to really show you how much we love you yeah I mean um so yeah like you know she gradually got she gradually deteriorated and Martin neurons disease will leave you paralyzed you know I mean it basically just your muscles stop working so eventually she was ahead in a bed you know what I mean my mom do you come in the room and it was just one head poking out the bed and my family are are amazing and I [ __ ] love them so much because like we find like in the darkest [ __ ] places yeah with some of the some of the banter in the house like from an outsider you might have thought it was pretty [ __ ] up yeah pretty cruel maybe some of the[ __ ] we were saying you know like it was it was dark humor but it was that that kept us going you get me um and we just we just have I mean you know my mum found it funny too you know we do we just laughed we laughed about it a lot even though it was tragic it was like these are the cards within doubt and you know we've we found light in it obviously aside from that it I'd put a massive strain on us you know it put a massive strain on the relationships between us as well and particularly when my dad passed away um so my dad when I was my like I said to you before my parents quite old so my dad had five heart bypasses when I was eight so I was always I always thought my dad was gonna die do you know what I mean like when I was little people used to go I was like your granddad my dad was older than everyone else is that and he had heart problems and you know what I mean I just remember as a child being really scared that my dad was gonna die do you know what I mean so it almost we always fought and then all of a sudden my mom got ill do you know what I mean and she was like The Matriarch she was strong as anything you know what I mean my mum's a very strong woman very moral very just very loving and kind but tough love as well do you know what I mean like she would have Molly cuddled us you know what I'm saying she was an amazing woman but so yeah like McDonald's took the dog for a walk and he slipped and banged his head and it's all in the song yeah yeah I was listening um and yeah he cracked his school and his brain swells and they took him to hospital and they said he was gonna recover they said he should be okay I definitely had a feeling that you weren't going to be okay and I remember speaking to my sister and saying like I don't know if he's gonna come out of this and she was like I know I think I think you might but you know what I mean we had a conversation about it anyway I had a gig in France the next day and it was like oh what did we do here they would go to the show decisions you know I've been there we've got to let the rest of the guys down yeah it's not just me we're gonna let the people down who have paid for us to come and the people who bought tickets and whatever is the most important thing here but you know the hospital said he was gonna be all right and I'll be back tomorrow and yeah I got a message off my brother saying like the next morning when I got up saying and you know it's worth noting in an amongst this time I was I was like developing a bit of a habit like with drugs I was spiraling I had a lot of [ __ ] going on like and you know things at home with my wife were weren't okay that wasn't right and we tried so hard to to sign out so there's more important things going on as there is in life sometimes you know what I'm saying and so yeah it was difficult and I remember being wired getting his message having a panic attack walking around France to feeling horrendous and um yeah flew back um I went to see my dad but he wasn't conscious he was just lay on life support you know what I'm saying so I went to see him on my own we had a moment okay maybe we had a cry my dad was speaking so watches he always used to buy a new watch and go how much how much God how much and I'd always go two pound fifty and he gave him so much oh you know it's not see brown 50 but it's like yeah but it's not expensive is it because that was the whole point you know we like said I got it I got it for a center and so you know I showed him a new watch and you know we had a little moment and my dad passed away but the thing about that was my dad was my mum's main carer at that point so my mum needed 24-hour care at this point um with motor neurons disease you can sometimes you can just choke you can't you can't swallow and all you need is a drink you know what I mean all you need is a drink but you could choke to death because you you your muscles stopped working in your whole body so your throat can't swallow do you know what I mean so that left us in disarray the NHS were only giving her a certain amount of care what they would agree to pay for my dad was covering the rest and now it was like me um my brother Drew and my sister Jane my oldest brother lives in Australia so he's kind of unable his hands are tired you know what I mean anyway yeah it was a crazy time where we were scrambling to try and you know be there for her as much as we could but you know I've got a young family I've got a company it was very difficult for me to commit to a lot because I've had so many responsibilities and I did what I could you know I mean I really did what I could and you know my brother and sister did a lot they were amazing it was just a stressful time bro just they're stressful and very emotional for everyone you know what I mean everyone's just like emotions are heightened you know what I'm saying so ultimately we ended up having to put my mum in to get into a care home which no one wants to do that you know I mean I remember having this conversation with her and she was she was kicking off she was going I don't want to go in a car at home do you know what I mean I do not want to go there I'll die I'll die in there that's what she said to me and I kicked off I've said because my mum taught me listen this was me being her yeah did you get what I'm saying yeah I was like listen what do you want us to do um do you think we want to put you in a cat obviously we'd love to look after you but we've all got jobs mum you know I mean we've all got lives and I think you're being really selfish that's a [ __ ] hard thing to say to someone dying and then you know what I think she was right bro the the hardest part about that is I think she was right because she got into her care home and like she she I'm [ __ ] with how long things were you know what I mean yeah it's just all a blur in it yeah but um she died not that long after and um yo this is the modest like I was in China I'm tall with virus with Nick and Dino and um I got back from China on Monday and on Tuesday my bra would flown over from Australia so we could go and start my dad's ashes in Cornwall yeah so on a Tuesday they don't drove in a car flew down to Cornwall met them um emotional time you know I'm saying we went and we scared my dad's ashes and it felt like we were getting a bit of Oneness back because we were fractured man you know what I'm saying it put a lot of stress and a lot of strain on us and so we've gone we've got my dad's ashes I flew back on a Wednesday because I had work they stayed and come back on Thursday and my mum died on Friday so I'm saying so like wow what we got was yeah and again like you can either be a victim about that or you can say beautiful was over from Australia timing like the universe when it like it had it was [ __ ] upsetting and sad and heartbreaking it's my mum you know what I mean my mum was my number one my ride or die from yeah do you know what I'm saying um but we were together you know what I mean so yeah man it was a crazy journey and and I think going back to what you're saying I kind of took it right around the houses but it was I just had this real strong desire to like I need to do this I need to I need to tell this story I'm I'm I'm more than what I'm giving you know in music I'm a writer and I'm I'm I'm you know I'm doing virus and virus doing really well but that's that's to me that's just a small percentage of what I'm capable of it's a different craft the style of the tracks you know you there's only a certain amount of emotion you're not gonna be able to write track about my mum and dad dying on on a DubStep or a drummer bass tune really yeah yeah well there's a sort of drama based song that's got me through some of my time so I'm thinking yeah all right maybe not but not for me but when my style I rap got me announcing yeah um anyway like yeah it was just like I need to I need to pull my finger out and do something do you know what I mean and it's a different thing from you sitting here telling me the story of this is what happened to actually formulate that into a three minute 30 song and get out everything you as an artist feel like you needed to get everything in yeah and do we ever feel like that is it ever complete but as a listener as a consumer yeah you paint such a beautiful picture with what you've just told us there thank you in your art form and it is different to what we've heard you you know with with the virus and stuff so to hear you in that space and knowing as someone who makes his own beats and music and rights and engineers and mixes to know what went into that how many times you have to listen back how many times you have to go wow whoa oh that release I hit that right oh is that the right word am I giving too much am I letting people know am I being too honest as an artist am I always sharing it but I think a beautiful thing that that you said then this is something musicians do have to deal with and and it just brought up something for me as I when we're going through life stuff and we're being artists and we're chasing dreams and life is happening we have those moments where it is should I go and do this show yeah is it right to do then it just brought up my defining moment was when my girlfriend was sick she had terminal cancer yeah she it was coming to the end and similar to you like we've the crews that we were in are still like the people we ended up doing music with yeah in different ways so you know like Simeon Adele yeah the band that I was in yeah like new people new friends Simian Adele call people always been with me since you know we started us yeah and at the time I resented Simeon for saying this because he didn't get where I was at he was like bro we've got Glastonbury this weekend do you want to come and play it no I'd been off at my girlfriend's parents house living up there that's heavy do you want to come and do Glastonbury we've done Glastonbury before but this was a bigger glass yeah yeah Glastonbury is the Pinnacle in it never wants to do glasses he's like do you want to come and get away from your situation just for a couple of days you know Friday Saturday or Saturday Sunday whatever it was yeah and you'll be back and I'm on the phone I went no I can't bro I can't I can't I can't can't leave Hannah no way and I'm so glad I made that decision because she passed on the Monday wow and it I would have gone wow I wouldn't have been there and I was the person that got in front of her and held her and said you know you're okay yeah with a mom next to me and it's those moments bro it yeah when you operate in that certain way as a musician also that glass door moment could have been the defining moment the thing that twists and turns your career yeah bro but but you know what what we said before bro meaningful connections man yeah yeah beautiful connections like that was a special Divine connection what you had and you had to be there yeah there was the Glastonbury is a feeling it's a momentary feeling yeah it's a it's a feel good it's a drug it's like it's like a bar of chocolate you know what I'm saying no disrespected whereas that was something that's way deeper that was so that was so forged in the [ __ ] dust of the [ __ ] Universe you know what I'm saying I think if I wouldn't have been there for that bro I don't think I would have been there I don't think I could have lived with that yeah that would have been too much of a burden to Curry to not be there fully fully here yeah and it was a difficult time because Hannah went through routines of shutting people out so yeah yeah I wasn't allowed to see her for maybe two three four days okay and it was a sister then it was a mum and she'd allow us in because she didn't want people to see her how she was so at that time like you I was bro I was just um burning I'm just I'm just high as soon as I wasn't with her I was just High yeah to get me through till the next day can I can I see her and then someday she'd let me in I'd sit with her it was a very strange time it wasn't what people think it is me just with someone all the time that person you know well she's processing something that's uncomprehendable at the same time yeah so that was a big lesson for me that I just have to you can't force yourself into that position but one thing I I I'm proud of myself for is at that time I feel like I did make the right decision and as as the years have gone on then I could totally see it from my boys side where at the time I was like why are you even asking me that bro how you true as I've got older I'm like sometimes obviously there's a there's a self-gain if I would have gone you know the main lead singer in a band like it's going to be difficult without yeah yeah yeah Jay had to do that but I'm forgetting this is my friend yeah there was probably part of it that's like bro do you need some time is your boy and he loves you and he knows it's Glastonbury it's gonna be a good week you know what I mean yeah yeah sounds like he's got you know he's got love in his heart you know what I'm saying but at the same time yeah for you that was a complicated it's a complex it's something I don't hear musicians talk about the sacrifices not only these things you know when people are yeah you know coming to the end of the life but birthdays and weddings and yeah all the things you miss as a musician because you're off Chase in a dream friendships bro like even relationships those meaningful relationships with we're talking about they're hard to maintain in uh having our sort of lifestyle and our sort of career and ultimately the end a lot of them end up being musicians yeah yeah do you know what I mean but yeah it's a crazy man there is a lot of sacrifice and there's a lot of choices and decisions and you know even even like marriage and you know that whole minimum um I don't you know I hate saying baby mummy it's a weird thing man but like with our relationship there's there's a lot of stuff going on and it was something I don't know how I've got on to this but don't really matter does it however it flows that's where it goes but yeah like you know having having that breakdown as well and me working so much and me going away and sometimes not having the ability to try and fix things yeah as well as you could it's also a sacrifice to get what I'm saying and you know me we like that that is another very late situation as always but I was going through a lot of grief like with my parents and you know Angela was a woman's a mum's job is so difficult like women are amazing and it's and you know she was on basically unable to be my rock and be my children's Rock do you know what I'm saying and I was broken at the time and my hair was starting to fall out again and I needed to feel like somebody loved me and I need to feel like because my mum was a very affectionate person you knew you were loved physically you know what I'm saying and verbally and you know there was a lot of a lot of those things which you know she was unable to do because she was a little bit broken too you know she was like been thrust into this motherhood and you know had I think some postnatal depression from honest we are um and ultimately like we tried for a long time to fix it um but we weren't able to you know what I mean and I do think that music played a role in that you know in terms of my time yeah being at work a lot and you know again there's more layers to it than it's not just all black and white but like when she had when she was pregnant with Jake my youngest boy um she just started a new job and he won't give him a 30 page he's not been there long enough so we were she was basically getting just a basic I think it was like 500 quid a month off the government but if you know what Nursery fees are like the 600 pound a month so that five Tony's like and then you've got to rent an electric you know food clothes yeah you know articles so it was it was a tough time so I was having to work more but then I was going on tour you know I was going to Australia I went to America and you know she was really really supportive never made me feel no way never always supported me you know what I'm saying like she's amazing but at the same time we were fractured yeah you know what I'm saying and um I'm really really lucky that me and Angela have got such an amazing relationship like with will I'm looking and you know so where is you have to work out that [ __ ] uh you know what I'm saying it requires work and it requires ego death yeah you gotta get rid of the eagle but you know we're lucky because we're at this place now where you know I consider all one of my best friends that's amazing I love it a bit yeah and I always will that's the mother of my two children and she's an amazing mum and an amazing person you know what I'm saying and I've got nothing but respect for her and the fact you can say that to you boys in the future and you know it's on this part it's live and direct you know I mean and I say to the world and and that also that also bleeds into how amazing peers yeah because I can sit here and say these things let's say you appears because people might not know all right so this is yeah yeah so it's called Prima and yeah it's my well she called penny she'll hate that but I'm blowing her up but yeah she's Penny to me I'm P to me but yeah she's my Missus and we also make music together yeah so that's that's another beautiful thing about about you guys like you you'd known each other you've been around each other but there was never that relationship there no then as as things have shifted you know in your personal life with yeah what that currently was then it's transitioned into a relationship yeah you guys well you know what she was always like I've really she was always a rock for well actually she wasn't at first I was a rock for her you know when we first met she was broken you know what I'm saying and you know I put a lot of um type because she's such an amazing soul you can just feel the soul she likes a room up she's just a really lovely person genuinely one of the nicest sweetest people you're gonna meet yeah yeah but had a lot of things that were haunt you know that she's not she wasn't dealing with and a lack of self-worth and you know what I'm saying so at first actually I was kind of that role you know what I'm saying um and it's funny how the tables turned you know what I mean but it's beautiful as well yeah um well yeah like me and Peter were just like musically just in in tune just tight do you know what I'm saying just connected on that level yeah and um she's she was a great friend but yeah it was it's weird because I've never really looked at I like that ever do what I'm saying and then I think you know towards like later on maybe there was some kind of some feeling yeah do you know what I'm saying um but yeah ultimately I think because of the circumstance and everything it was something that was just very much never said or never spoke you know what I mean it's just like silent kind of feeling maybe and um yeah like it's a beautiful thing and it was a beautiful friendship first but now like you know she's just smart she's just my person you know what I'm saying and I think not everybody in this lifetime gets to feel that that gets the feel of what we've got I don't think everybody gets it yeah I think we're really lucky we're really lucky to have each other and she is so amazing with my kids like amazing and it's amazing to see only through what you people you know choose to share on social media but to see the journey that you've been through the losses you you've enjoyed and to see where you're at now which is just a happy outgoing just blessed open yeah man to to love people and get that energy back it's just beautiful to see it and know that the type of person that that P is as well that you two guys going through life together putting out that energy man it's a beautiful thing this is thank you man it is beautiful man and um yeah we're uh you know we just wanna we just want to leave a positive impact on the world and that sounds bad [ __ ] hippie and whatever but really that that's what man is mans are so big here people mine's just a big yeah he's just a piece and love thing and obviously protect my family at all costs you know I mean and provide at all costs but just ultimately we just want to leave a positive mark on the world and we're so lucky that we get to create together because I just think that's the closest to go to God I can ever be just in just channeling just creating and Magic it comes through you not from you do you know what I mean we get to share that experience together and but it comes with its stresses and [ __ ] strains we bang heads about things it means same with me and Nick you know similar like yes my brother mum we love each other and it's but it is Brotherhood but because we work together you gotta have difficult conversations sometimes you ain't always going to agree and that does change a relationship makes it different it makes it more like a family member yeah yeah do you know what I mean where you're unfiltered no I'm saying so uh but now p is amazing and yeah she's um she's a great um she's a great person in our lives and in in the boy's lives you know I mean and just us being able to you know me and her and Angela and Angela's partner and just us all being able to coexist yeah is an achievement because I know people out there friends of mine man and they're struggling they're struggling to even see their kids yeah do you know what I mean like I'm not getting access and these are good men these are not wastement I mean these are good men who want to look after their kids and so yeah man we are I am well I can't complain I'm happy I'm blessed I got it tattooed across my chest you know what I'm saying um but obviously Manuel still we're all still a work in progress yeah of course I'm still [ __ ] watching them eyebrows in the mirror when I get up in the morning you know what I'm saying like but where you're at in this point in your life looking back of what you've been through from early trauma to trauma that's been more recent what would you be what would be your piece of advice to someone who is currently currently in the trenches going through it wow I mean heart is a really hard question because it would depend on what and what they're going through to get me and I think it's not a one-size-fits all but I I think like be kind to yourself in it you know I mean be kind to yourself just find people who you can lean on and rely on But ultimately love yourself um acceptance like you know what you're saying like acceptance is such a massive massive thing like not getting caught up in the Y why me why now why them you know I'm not getting caught up in that [ __ ] just like acceptance and and like what can we do about it can we do something about it can I change my diet is that going to help it like can I go to the gym is that going to help it is there nothing I can do if there's nothing I can do I got let go yeah you know what I mean so like with me and my hair like you know what can I do what can I eat different not all of those things you get me like is it something I'm doing in my lifestyle that I can change that's that could help or if it's really that big of a problem for me um and I don't think it must be that big of a problem for me because I even Googled it bro PS yeah multiple times I said two of them so it's funny because I've not Googled it once I just think I'm just like whatever yeah do you know what I mean so yeah man just we're all going through[ __ ] yeah yeah we're all going through life and I think it's easy to look on the next man or the next woman and think everything's great for them and I know people look at me and think that I know they do and a lot of that goes down to my high functioning nature my ability to take the pressure I've got broad shoulders you get me I can I can carry the weight and I know and I know I can and I do but I'm human yeah yeah and sometimes I'm broken inside and sometimes I'm you know I need fixing you get what I'm saying so just knowing that you're not alone like everyone's experience in life man and and the social media is such a dangerous place because you ain't seeing that really you know podcasts like this are an amazing thing and are an amazing way for us to tap into real people and real emotions and you know I'm saying so I think doing things like this it's just is is great and it's like we were saying before we started recording it's how people are seeking information now it's how people are seeking understanding and and knowledge now you know these are the platforms but just knowing that yo don't watch don't watch the fake Smiles on the gram and everybody's even the most richest most famousest people I've put a meme up the other day Jim Carrey and he goes I wish everyone could get as rich and as rich and famous as they as they want so they could realize that it's not the answer do you know what I'm saying like it isn't you know what I mean the answer is self-love the answer is like self-acceptance yeah self-awareness yeah you know what I'm saying and um yeah I think if you can just lead with love and lead with kindness and I think you know something I've learned something I'm trying to learn I mean children definitely helps you to help you with your ego do you know what I mean but something I've learned is like you don't always have to react like I'm a reactionary person if we all are yeah if someone's Roots here like your natural instinct to react and it's like that's a you problem that's not a weak problem just because you're rude to me I don't need to be rude to you know what I'm saying so I think like I'm trying to learn to be a little bit more Zen and like having kids is teaching me because it's hard man my kids are my kids are harmful bro they're mint they've got the best personalities but they're fun smokes you know I'm saying anyone knows my kids they know they're just active boys like roughing each other up always an argument but they've got an amazing personalities but you do need to learn to be patient and your own ego will you will be challenged you know when the three-year-olds looking you in your face going no[Music] so yeah man so I appreciate you coming today bro because I've been one there's just people that I know when I look at their Journeys people that surround me people that I keep in touch with who are going to bring interest in and Powerful conversations to this form which isn't us talking about the best parts of our life it's about us it's not Instagram and it's not it's not social media This Is Us saying yo I've been through some[ __ ] and this is how I navigated it yeah this is where I'm at now and I know I'm gonna go through some more [ __ ] yeah exactly yeah these things are going to shape me for those testing times of course so I appreciate your time and there's an invitation there whenever you want to come back and do this thank you you ever feel like I just want to go and talk to Jay don't say that your phone's not gonna stop ringing me honestly bro like you already know what it is anyway like we've just got a deep mutual respect and love for one another and that comes from like Journeys are so paralleled yeah you know what I'm saying in lots of ways and we come from the same school yeah you know what I mean yeah definitely and um swung right back round for full circled you know what I mean and I just think like those things are never coincidence as you know yeah you know what I'm saying so for me like just coming and chatting to you it's been start coming and speaking to my boy anyway you know what I mean but it's been a pleasure to come and speak about some more personal [ __ ] you know what I mean with someone that I feel comfortable yeah I appreciate it every now if you get me so thanks for having me and thanks for doing what you're doing thanks for providing this platform which I think we need like we need it especially in Manchester there's not enough yeah there's not enough people doing what you're doing and hats off to you bro I appreciate it and to see you still on your journey being a musician chasing dreams listen I'm going hard this year bro like no games this year it's not a beauty pageant did you get me an arm on it this year bro we've decided oh the breaks are coming off you know I feel like as well with that sort of stuff it's like um the 10 000 hours thing and you know getting to a point where the music's just of a such a high quality and it's gonna get better yeah but like I just feel Supreme confidence right now and like we're not watching the the numbers and we're not watching that sort of stuff we're just leading with love bro but you know what we're doing we're not sitting on music it's coming off the computer and it's it's going out so whenever you want to come and do this we'll get people do it again soon yeah yeah we're gonna have more than one-on-ones we're gonna open it up to three four you're the second person in this new place so I appreciate it bro like appreciate it hopefully you know listeners you've listened to to Jay's story and you know you've realized that when you go free stuff from your younger years to you know moving through adulthood that you can hear this brother speak today and know that he's turned it into something beautiful with a beautiful perspective on life so thank you bro appreciate your time this is all mine bro guys if there's anything you can do one favor if you resonated with this today just share with this one and you might feel yeah or get the same feeling from it and that's what we're trying to do here we're inviting people on with powerful stories to try and help shape people's lives and people need to hear this stuff that it's not just you going through it and the people that have been through it it's evidence that way we can get through the other side and go it's possible so thanks to Jay today make sure you check his music out where can people find you family and all that all the normal spots in it like obviously shout me on Instagram at jsd underscore MCR that's probably where you catch me lurking most of the time but you know if you want to hear the music you choose Spotify Apple music just search up jsd and then yeah man let me know what you think appreciate you brother remember no matter what you're going through no matter how hard life gets appreciate you guys listening come back and tap into us if life's getting difficult because there's many gems on these episodes now remember life is good life is sound see you on the next one stay blessed